On How Having A Crush Fucks Your Heart Up

5 August 2000

Dear Diary,

I don't know why, but I tried. I really tried to forget him. I really did. Nobody believed me, and I think I'm slipping away too.

Why can't I hold on to my own vow?

WHy can';t I get that one thing that I have always longed for?

How could he have been of make believe? When I think of him, he seems like the sweetest person I've ever loved. But when(that must've been, like, long ago, huh) he's talking to me or when he's around me, he's totally weird to be around.

But you know, when we're talking to each other... everything stands still. I always have this feeling like there are two of us in the entire world. Just. us. And when he walks away after saying byebye, everything starts to move around me again.

I really don't understand how could I want a guy that badly??

Of all the promises he has broken....heck, he doesn't even greets me anymore(I have to SHOUT at him in order for him to greet me). It's THAT BAD.

I mean...oh, I don't know what I mean.

Was it me who also pushed him away?

Was it his fault too?

I remember telling myself once that he would be different from the rest. And I was right. He IS different. In a million ways. Sometimes I wonder, "what if I stayed back in standard 4?"

p/s: Finals starts tomorrow.

**

You know.. i honestly think it was my head creating situations for myself ..and then I believe them. And maybe JT doesn't even KNOW half the things I assumed he was feeling.

hahah. Crushes.